Look At Those Eyes
by blazinglizard09
Summary: Inspired by "Look At Those Eyes" by Alexz Johnson After the war, Harry starts to spiral into depression. After all he went through, he doesn't know how to cope. How will everyone he cares about react when they find out how far he has fallen? How do you save someone who doesn't want to save themselves? Disclaimer inside
1. Trigger Warning and Author's Note

**Trigger Warning:**

 **This story contains self-harm and suicide. I know there are a lot of stories where Harry is depressed, cuts, and commits suicide. I decided to try my hand at it. This will be an exploration about, not only what leads one to suicide, but the impacts it leaves. The feelings and reactions are taken from my own personal experiences. I have experienced both sides of this situation. I have been in Harry's position, so his inner thoughts are taken from what I felt. I witnessed the fallout from a family friend committing suicide.**

 **This will be a darker story in the beginning. If this will upset/ trigger you, DO NOT READ.**

 **My updates will most likely not be regular. I have classes, work, and the clubs I am in at my university. I plan to update at least once a month. It'll also depend on if I need to take a step back from this story. If I need to take a break, I will post a not in the summary and as a chapter.**

 **I promise not to give up on this. I have seen many stories I feel do not truly show the impact suicide has. I feel it is important to explore all sides, and truly show the impact it has, not only on the one who attempted, but on those who would have been left behind**.

Author's note and disclaimer:

I own nothing. All rights belong to J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books, and Warner Brothers Studio. This story is canon compliant. It is also unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine.


	2. The only option

It's been two months since the war ended. Two months since he led others to their deaths. Two months since he completed his purpose in life. Two months since he defeated Voldemort. Days have become a routine of get up, get dressed, eat, go to various events required for the Boy-Who-Lived, the Chosen One, the Savior of the Wizarding World. Two months since he started hiding his emotions.

Immediately after the war, Harry Potter felt happy and relief. He saved the world, but lost so many he cared about. As he looked around Hogwarts the morning following the battle, he realized how much devastation he left in his wake. Families were torn apart by members risking their lives for him. Members who put their trust in him, only to be struck down by death eaters or Voldemort himself. His only home was destroyed, partially by his own hands. It was when this realization hit that Harry started his downward spiral into depression.

Later that night, he was forced to go to the Burrow by Mrs. Weasley. He tried to refuse, not wanting to taint their lives more than he already had. He didn't want to impede on their grief, especially since it was his fault Fred died. If he never sat with Ron that day on the train, the Weasley family would be intact. George would not have lost a twin, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley would not have lost a son, and Bill, Charlie, Percy, Ron, and Ginny would not have lost a brother.

Speaking of Ginny, she wanted to hang out with him a lot these days, Harry knew he reason, and he would have loved nothing more than to return her affections. Unfortunately, he was unable to feel anything. In the week after the war, Harry realized he was just numb. He felt no emotions. He started to put on an act with everyone, from the Weasels and Hermione, to the Wizarding World at large.

Everyone wanted to meet their savior. He knew everyone only pretended to like him. Every time he went to an interview, meeting, event, or press conference, he realized everyone was faking their approval. He knew deep down everyone hated him. So he returned the act, pretending he was happy the war was over, happy at the prospects laid out before him. No one realized that inside, Harry was breaking down.

. The first week, the week of the battle, was filled with ceremonies in honor of the fallen. The funerals didn't start until the second week. The first ones he attended were for people he didn't know. It was expected he attend, so he did with his mask in place. He acted how others thought he should act, sad when necessary, thankful when needed. It was these first few days he perfected his act, hiding the numbness within. Every night, he returns to various event, from the event surround the Sorcerer's stone, up until the final battle. His nightmares get worse with each one. In them, people who lived die, he is forced to watch those he loves tortured, he watches everyone die until he alone remains against Voldemort and his army.

At first he thought the Weasleys and Hermione saw through his act, as they kept asking him if he was alright. He insisted he was since he didn't want to be a burden, and they dropped the subject. He started eating again, though very little. He stopped screaming when he awoke from the nightmares. He even fooled the ones he thought would see right through his act. He continued to spiral as the weeks went on. As funerals were held and memorial services and ceremonies where performed, Harry fell further down the hole that was his mind. It was during that first week following the battle he realized how numb he was.

IT wasn't until Remus's and Tonks's funeral the week after the battle it started to come crashing down. He was forced to speak, and it nearly broke him. He had to look out at those in attendance, many he knew but some he didn't. He saw Andromeda holding baby Teddy, whose blood was on Harry's hands. Even though Harry did not cast the spells which Killed Remus and Tonks, it was his fault, they would not have been there if it wasn't for him. If he had died that Halloween night when Voldemort first attacked.

After the funeral, he was on constant edge. After over a week of feeling nothing, he was overwhelmed by all the emotions: guilt, anger, grief, sadness. He had no idea how to handle it. His friends, though they tried to help, only made things worse. As soon as he could, Harry escaped back to the Burrow, where he still remained. He had tried to leave several times, to avoid being a burden, but the Weasleys never let him. Every time he tried to slip away in the night, he was caught. He was pretty sure Mrs. Weasley had somehow set an alarm to alert her if he did try to leave.

Returning to the Burrow did nothing to help him. His feeling grew, and wasn't able to contain them. He tried so many ways to calm them, but nothing worked. It was while he was going through his trunk when he sliced his finger on the mirror Sirius had given him two years prior. The pain brought relief, and he realized how he would be able to cope in the future. That first day, he only made one cut on his arm. He thought about healing the cut, but realized it was a reminder of how broken he felt on the inside.

The next time he cut was later in the week, after Fred's funeral. He felt so much guilt from what he did to the Weasleys. As soon as he was able to escape, he ran up to his trunk. While the others were still downstairs, eating and talking about Fred, he grabbed his mirror and sliced his arm several times. Once again, he did not heal the cuts. He left them as a reminder to himself pf the burden he became, and all the blood on his hands.

As the month went on, he cut more and more. He kept the mirror on his person, always within easy reach. Each time he cut, he had to make more and more to feel relief. He also had to go deeper and deeper. It wasn't until the press conference two months after the battle when everything finally crashed around him. At the conference, Harry was asked by a reporter how it felt knowing people died for him, protecting him. He answered, though not processing what he said. After he returned to the Burrow, he made the most severe cuts he ever had before. When he awoke the next morning, the cuts were still bleeding. He cleaned them, put on his mask, and went down to breakfast.

He noticed everyone was talking, and quieted when he entered the room. He saw Ron hide a copy of the Daily Profit. Harry demanded to see it, and was met with discouragement. He was adamant, and the newspaper was eventually handed to him. He saw the headline, and his insides felt like they froze over. The article gave voice to every thought in his head, stating he had blood on his hands and how he should feel guilty so many died in his name. He threw down the paper, and stormed away. Ron, Ginny, and Hermione tried to follow him, but sat back down after a glare.

He locked himself in his room, refusing to leave even for food. People kept coming up to try to talk to him, though he refused to peak to all. It was when Kingsley and Professor McGonagall tried to see him that Harry realized he could no longer keep up the façade. He knew if he remained at the burrow, everyone would begin to see through him. He also knew if he left, there would be no escape from the public. HE knew he was alone.

It was when he made a deep cut, the deepest yet, when he realized his only way of escape. He went down to dinner, and acted like the article no longer bothered him. He apologized to everyone, including Kingsley and McGonagall, who stayed for dinner. Once night fell, he went upstairs, saying he was going to bed. He went through his usual nighttime routine, and pretended to go to sleep. When the house got quiet, he enacted his plan. He had stolen some Draught of the Living Death while everyone went outside to talk on the porch, and had hidden it in his trunk. He grabbed it and the mirror, along with some parchment and a quill. He sat down at the desk and composed a note:

 _Everyone,_

 _I am sorry for all I put you through. The article was right. All the deaths are my fault. If I had died the night my parents did, everyone would still be alive. Teddy wouldn't be an orphan, and Fred would still be here. I have so much blood on my hands. I am a burden to all, a reminder of what they lost._

 _Ginny, I want you to know I never stopped loving you. Maybe in a different world, we would have been happy._

 _Ron and Hermione, thank you for being there for me. I am sorry for all the suffering you went through. Once I'm not around, then you will be able to be happy._

 _Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, thank you so much for your kindness. You were the only parents in my life, at least the only ones who cared about me and treated me as a son. I never told you this, but I love you._

 _I'm sorry everyone,_

 _Harry_

Harry placed the note on the desk. He grabbed the mirror, cutting his arm one last time. He made sure to cut deep, hoping the blood loss would lead to a quicker death. He grabbed the bottle of potions, and drank it all. He laid down, thinking of those he loved, who would all be happier without him.


	3. SHock and Dismay

**Author's note: A quick update. I apologize for the short chapter. I suddenly had an idea of how I wanted this to turn out. It ended at a point which felt natural to me.**

* * *

What Harry didn't realize was the adults returned outside to talk in private without Himself, Ron, Hermione, or Ginny overhearing. The topic? Harry and his depressive behaviors.

"I don't know what is wrong with him, or how to help." Mrs. Weasley's voice was full of concern. Her husband seconded the statement.

"How bad has it gotten?" McGonagall inquired.

"He barely eats. He has lost a lot of weight. He has isolated himself, rarely talking to anyone. He constantly wears long sleeves, even in this warm weather," Mrs. Weasley 0informed the group.

"From what you just said, his sudden behavior change at dinner is concerning," Kingsley remarked.

Right after that, Mrs. Weasley stood and told the other three that she was going to check on Harry. In the future, she would never be able to explain the sudden, intense need to check on Harry. She would always chalk it up to a mother's instinct, considering she looked at Harry as a son.

She knocked on Harry's door once she reached his room, George's old one before the twins moved into the flat above their shop. When Harry didn't respond, she opened the door to check on him. The sight that greeted her stopped her in her tracks, and she opened her mouth to scream.

Hearing the scream, everyone else ran, with wands drawn, to the source of the scream. Everyone stopped in their tracks. Mrs. Weasley was kneeling by the bed, trying to shake Harry awake, crying his name over and over. Blood was everywhere on the bed, and the empty bottle of potion was laying on the floor, empty.

After about a minute, Kingsley rushed into the room, flowed by McGonagall after she ordered the kids to stay back. Surprisingly, the did, most likely to stunned to move. He ran to the bed, performing a charm to see how badly Harry was injured. The results were not great. Harry was suffering from extreme blood loss. The bleeding had stopped, and while it was not an immediately lethal amount, Harry would still need several doses of blood-replenishing potions as soon as possible. Harry was also suffering from an extremely slow heart rate, low breathing rate, and low brain function. Kingsley told everyone Harry needed to go to St. Mungo's immediately, or else he has likely to die within the next hour. He created a portkey, ordered the others to remain behind, and took Harry to the hospital.

McGonagall looked around, seeing the note on the desk. She went over, picked it up, and read it. After reading the note, she collapsed into the chair, holding it out trembling. At this point, the others entered the room. Ginny grabbed the not, read it, and burst out crying, repeating "Oh my God," over and over again. Mrs. Weasley took the note, Mr. Weasley, Ron, and Hermione reading over her shoulder.

After the note was read, there was a variety of reactions. Mrs. Weasley and Hermione started crying. Ron and Mr. Weasley stood in shock. No one moved for several minutes, with Mrs. Weasley constantly repeating "It can't be true." After a few minutes, McGonagall stood, and ushered everyone downstairs. "We need to inform Kingsley what exactly happened. Even though what occurred is obvious by looking at the room, we still need to confirm it. I'm heading to St. Mungo's with the note."

"I'm going with you," stated Mrs. Weasley, leaving no room for argument. The others chimed in their agreements.

"We don't want too many people at the hospital," McGonagall reminded them.

"I will remain behind with the kids. You two go," Mr. Weasley informed his wife and the professor. Ron, Hermione, and Ginny started to complain, but immediately went silent at the look Mrs. Weasley shot them.

"We'll send information and updates soon," McGonagall informed the others as she and Mrs. Weasley grabbed the floo powder. The others watched the two women head to St. Mungo's.


	4. NOTE

Attention readers and followers. This story is not going how i wanted it to. I am planning on rewriting this in a better format. I have been struggling writing chapters. It is my fault. I wanted to write it a certain way, but didn't. SO I am going to ewrite how i originally planned


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